10 Things I Learn while Traveling

1.     Take Chances – Trouble or adventure. It’s still a story to tell and to remember. 

I can be quite sure that most people would love luxury travels. 5stars hotel, 3 michelin stars restaurants, personalize services, perfect itinerary and the list goes on. I absolutely adore that kind of travel.

Hitchhiking with other Travelers in Egypt. 

However, probably it’s a blessing that I don’t have that endless string of zeros in my bank, I jumped at whatever chances that come my way.  And that give rises to many amazing experiences that I never thought I could have.  I guess it takes an irrational mind, a tinge of guts and a bucket load of stupidity to ignore the logical voice in my head.  Although I became better or some say, stubborn, I still couldn’t fathom the mastery of shutting logic out entirely.  And because of that, every time an opportunity to be stupid come to rise, I freak out. I do! Excited at the same time though!

Then I would call up the usual suspects, telling them my situation, asking for advices and topping it up with an hour or 2 of annoying whines which no doubt pisses them off.  Most of the time, their responses are unanimous.

“DON’T do it, but I know u will.”

After a while, I stop planning my itinerary. Its more exciting not knowing what’s going to happen next than to expect the expected.

I call it, The Opportunity Cost. Its now or never.

2.     Pride is useless – That’s the only thing that stops you from the world.

          Some say they just wanna get lost somewhere.  Faith and chances plays a part here. Don’t be afraid to get lost, to be lost, or to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. That’s what I call, experiences. Its ok to be lost cos the right route/direction is only a question away.

             I’ve met people, mainly men, too prideful to ask for directions, insisting on looking at the map for 30minutes when we could get answers in 5seconds. People, NORMAL people, will help a foreigner. Ask 3 different people to confirm the information. If you need help, open your golden mouth and ask. Pride is therefore useless.

There was once, I was so hungry in Uganda, lost my wallet, that I had to ask someone for bread. In the end, i was invited for a meal.

In Sudan, with 98% of the population speaking Arabic and staring at me like I am born with 2 heads, I had to display my hidden talent of charade to ask for directions. Bear in mind, I didn’t know the address (they don’t have one anyway) and I had to use my limps to demonstrate where I stay! Every street in Sudan looks the same! Dirt road. I took a taxi without any money, going round in circles for 1.5hours, keep saying that I’m staying beside a “chicken street”. Of course, mimicking a chicken, pointing to a road, and putting my palms together on my cheek to demonstrate “sleep/house”. 

An hour and a half later, I found home. Best of all, the taxi driver did not even ask for any money. 

If you want to see the world, first let yourself into the world by putting away the unnecessary pride and the high pedestal you think you are on.

Therefore, if you keep your pride, you will never experience how great people can be.  But, what’s wrong with asking anyway?

3      3.     Rest – So you can go further. 

      Travel suppose to be a fun and relaxing thing. Its not about meeting schedule and doing every single activity stated in the tourist brochure. Its not about seeing every monument, every cathedral, every museum and every famous street just to say, “I’ve been there.”

Its about feeling the culture, knowing the people and their daily lives. Its about understanding and appreciating a whole new humanity. For all these to be possible, time is crucially needed. 

You don’t have to see the safari to say you have been to Africa. You don’t have to see Venice to say that you have been to Italy or the Sydney Harbour bridge to say you been to Sydney.  Will you say I’ve seen the Marina Bay Sands, means that I’ve been to Singapore?

Rest, do nothing sometimes. Roam the streets, sit in a café for hours, read a book, talk to a stranger, watch the snow falls, party with randoms or even stay home for a day. 

Its suppose to be relaxing, not stressing. So what if I’ve not been inside the Pyramids? So what if i've not seen the safari in Uganda or the Alpine in New Zealand? 

4.     Have faith – Everything is going against you but you keep moving cos you are never alone. 

                           God’s there.

Being a believer, i will never believe that He would see me stranded in a terrible situation and NOT do anything about it.  It’s as simple as that. People often ask, “why you so daring?”

In fact, I’m not. I just stood firm in my belief and that opened me up to so much of amazing experiences. Watching the century’s revolution in Egypt, hitchhiking in Sudan, hitchhiked from Munich to Berlin, went to Australia with 500SGD for 2months hoping to find a job and I did, spontaneously joined a guy on a road trip for 3000km for 10days in Queensland,

Even if you are an atheist, have faith in yourself. Its only when you put yourself in an unknown land, you have no one to depend on but yourself, you will learn to be strong and start trusting. 

Nothing to do with the nerves or the guts, its only pure basic human survival instinct. 

5.    

Tea house in Sudan. Guy gave me free tea and some money for my next meal

                   5 .   Do good – The world will be a better place if everyone function with love.

                                            In fact, I’ve got nothing more to say than, Do good.

Being in a foreign land, I learnt the importance of having good people around. Help somebody in need,  even in the most insignificant ways ever. To the recipient,  it makes a huge difference. I was many times a recipient myself, and I know.

There was someone a guy that I met in Germany who took an effort to bring along a bar of chocolate that he found at home with him when he goes out of home and gave to this beggar we met in the train. The gratitude shone through her eyes. 

To many of us, it was just a bar of chocolate. As much as I want to understand how she felt, I could never fully comprehend that joy she has upon receiving a simple chocolate bar. 

6.     Fall in love – With places, people, person. Love keeps you alive.  

       I’ve seen so many people who shut them selves out emotionally, afraid to expose their vulnerable side; afraid of getting hurt, and their world becomes colorless.

Munich Hauptbahnhof (central station)

The snow fell while I walked down the streets of Munich. Being alone, I felt the shame of not able to share this beautiful moment with someone. However, it gave me the full privacy to fall in love with the place.  I stopped in my path, sat in a cathedral for some time, feeling calm and alive at the same time. Fell in love with the place.

Battle ground in Lyon, France. 

It was a rough time in France. Battling with emotions that had twirl me around in a vicious cycle for 2 long years. As much as I wanted to stay longer, I knew its time to leave. Time to pack up my emotional baggage and leave. And so I did. The best way to heal… I don’t know if I was ready, but I want to be, is to allow myself to fall in love again. And 600km later, I did.

Some say, can you stop falling in love with the wrong people and get yourself hurt everytime?!

No, I’m sorry. This is what keeping me alive.

7.  Be grateful – Right. So the world doesn’t owe you anything. She is here first.

Sometimes i get a bed... 

Sometimes when you get too comfortable with what you are comfortable with or in, you can easily overlook the importance of gratitude and appreciation. I’ve never wake up thanking God everyday for being where I was except when I’m out there. It easy to thank when people are not in their comfort zone. I am not saying that I’m a Saint who would fall on my knees and sing hymns every 2 minutes. I myself caught into this trap of not being grateful when I’m back home.

I wanna thank every Host in Couchsurfing that opened their doors to me, gave me a roof, a bed, food, warmth, shower, pillows and safety. I remember every one of them and our good times together.  I thank the ones in Egypt to pick me up from the airport,  the ones in Germany who adopted me for days, the one in Lyon who responded to my emergency call for a roof ( very very much), the ones in Uganda who hosted me for days (he’s such an awesome man), and so many more that I can’t name them all.

You may not be Christ-tuned. But also, be thankful to whoever or whatever you believe cos unfortunate things could happen any second, but hey.. it didn’t.

And sometimes i don't. 

I thank the one who made throwing waste paper into the toilet bowls possible (its strictly forbidden in Egypt and Uganda). I thank the one who made tap water drinkable. I thank God for A/C, for water heater, for elevators, for lamps and light and for toilets that I don’t have to expose my ass to the pokey grass and broken branches and who knows what gonna attack my bum from behind or below when I take a dump. And yes, toilet papers.

78.     Look forward – Its pointless to hold back onto something which is of no use in your life anymore. 

       There are more things, better places, more exciting memories to pursue. Let go so others can come.

To each its own path. New Zealand. 

I’ve learnt that trying to relive the moments I once had usually turns out disappointing. Although I would die to be at the same place with the same person(s), doing the same thing again, it’s usually not the same anymore. It totally ruined the memories it was then created.  So it is a struggle every time.

 It was so good that I want to go back there again. However, I went back so many times before and it never once convinced me that, it-was-all-worth-it. It takes the right time, the right place, the right people and the right emotions for that magic moment to be constructed. 

Once its over, leave it behind but take the memories with you. Its not easy leaving, especially being the one left behind. Why and how to walk together if our directions are different? Even if it’s the same, paths are different; paces are different.

Stop giving chances to the past and give them to the future.

9               

    9.     You don’t need that much in life.  For those you need most, you need not carry.

I don’t understand why would anyone need a 25kg baggage for a 2 weeks trip. 1 week in Thailand means, 3 undies, 2 dresses, 1 bikini, 1 bra and 1 good book.

Every time I enter my Host’s place, they asked in disbelief,

“Is this all you have?”
“This is all I need.”

There’s a truth that I still fail to grasp. I could travel with a 8kg backpack (laptop not included) for 4 months and have no problem with clothes and the only pair of shoes I had was the ones on my feet. Right now I’ve got two wardrobes overload with clothes and 20 pairs of heels on the rack and every morning I stared at them for 10mins, thinking, “I’ve got nothing to wear!!”

Its true when traveling is your only focus, materials come last. And I thought I need my comfy bed, my precious TV and my holy air conditioner.  If I could see another mountain, walk down the street of another city, meet another great traveler, I don’t mind giving up my next shower.

10. Trust and believe, be positive – The world doesn’t run by dollars. Trust the people and the universe.  

     I am the worst believer of myself.  But I believe in the One who granted me this trip, the One who made my path possible, the One who creates. My faith is almost non-existence. Call it faith or being stubborn, everything WILL be ok.

    It’s always easier to travel with a deep pocket. Relying everything on money. Who doesn’t want that? I met many who traveled for years with absolutely zero money. There are ones who worked their ass off for 20years, sold everything and off they go. You don't need to be rich to travel. You need enough. 

People you meet all over the world! 

The Colosseum Trespassing

Everyone told me that it wasn't possible, to take a picture of the Colosseum without tourists and whats more, naked. Was it really impossible? Its just a matter of getting caught and of course, the guts. To strip down to your socks at 5degC winter.

So what does 2 drunks do together? Trespassing.

The desire in me to be nude inside the huge ancient stadium was too much to keep down. ONe of the reasons why i'm back here the second time. We arrive outside on Robbie's scooter. Braving the freezing wind, i could feel that a headache is developing from this cold at 5am. Rome is beautifully mysterious during this hour. No cars, no people, what remains are the ruined pillars, broken buildings, once held the stories of the past heros and villians. Every ruin unearthed, every curves of the ancient buildings and every stone laid on the path, stood in silence and yet screaming out their stories of the past 3000 years.

The city is so intense that even on the day that i left Rome,  i still couldnt comprehend the entire emotions that the city holds. I've been to Rome twice and yet i can surely say that i've not seen and know Rome. I wish i could go back in time. I am comfortable. I am excitedc, happy and full of life when in the midst of the city. And yet, i felt that i don't belong there. Yime stood still. Everything changed except for the ancient city.

I constantly have this movie which repeats itself that fast forwar. The buildings/structures/roads stay the same and modern roads are added, lights filled in, cafes/restaurants mushroomed, shops, people of modern times crept in but the structures are still there. I imagined the movie to play in reverse where every thing fade out and removed one after the other. How this place gonna look like? The playback repeats inself that i did thought it was getting me sick. Its either too intense or im getting bonkers.

Colosseum in sight! We walked along its gates looking for a flaw or an easy foothole. Found it. But its still a 4metres high metal gate with sharp pointy tips! Then movies i'd seen on TV, of people getting pierced by such metal tips/gates/railings while trying to climb over it flashed through my mind. I knew TV unhealthy. And if i became one of those featured on TV, it will be disastrous!

While battling these insane thoughts, RObbie was already onthe other side of the gate. Great climber! So following his instructions, and having great confidence in my "cross-fitted" limbs, i managed to get over the first gate. So my limbs are not that strong as i thought. They almost failed me. Ok, second gate, same thing. Left here, right foot there, one leg over, (now the pointy tips are stuck right at my anal, if this thing pierce through, i can't imagine), the other leg over, left foot here, right there, twist and jump. Sounds easy huh. I've got muscles ache the next day. Boo.

So walking through that short tunnel, it ipened up to this great magnificient sight. Breathtaking! The lights fall on the centre. Its a stadium, an old, old one. The curves and every architectual were made perfect, even part of it is ruined. You can see the perfection during its making. No time to lose! I still couldnt believe that i got in.

I tore out every precious fabric on me, in this damn winter, ran to the planned spot, snap snap, done! I did it a few times in various countries that im almost quite well rehearsed. In the few seconds of nudity, i wasn't even conscious that i was actually clothe-less. Not because i got used to being naked in public. I was too distracted by this grand structure. Trying to take in every precious moment i have with this beautiful architectual. There you are, just me and you. Just so you lknow, i am not in love with structures. They are madmade regardless of how awesome they are. Its still the works of human. Great, spectacular, but still, man made. Its the stories and mysteries that it holds that drew me near everytime.

Getting naked isnt a habit, or just another fun crazy idea. Its a statement i am putting across, or trying to put across to people about nudity. Loving yourself, putting down all defense and just be real. The clothes on us are not merely fabric but defense, ego, pride, false idenities, deceptions, and a self create personality that one show to the world. Without all these, arent everyone just as naked as everyone? We seems okay with violence, and yet we race to criticise and judge nudity.

Putting back my clothes, i walked out with massive satisfation. Checkbox, ticked!

So there it is, the colosseum climb. An experience i wouldn't forget.

Redang with Strangers

Its a comfort to receive notes from people that people do read my blogs and looking forward to my next post. It has been a while since i write. Actually, i do write every day, or in between every single empty space moment i have. Not punching the keys on my lappie or putting pen to paper. It's in my head. And thats when the, "Don't-disturb-me-when-i-am-talking-to-myself" rule came up.  Especially for the past month i've been experiencing a 80% deafness on my left, i could literally talk to and hear myself without anyone noticing it; like a permanent iPod stuck to my ear. It's curable.. but till it pops, i'm enjoying the unvolunteered silence.

I doubt anyone can beat me being the laziest and the most indecisive traveler ever. Not mentioning that i'm one of the poorest as well. That combination usually means that i do everything last minute and end up paying more than what it actually cost. Then again, at the last-est minute, i usually come up with a smarter, brighter, crazier idea and my whole plan flip once again. So this time round i came up with another brilliant and mad idea - I'm not staying in SG this weekend. Lets go Redang. It was thursday noon.

Where else would i find another crazy soul? Naturally, i post a message on couchsurfing.org, shouting out to whoever that is keen to join me on this senseless 2days 1 night trip. Who else but me, would buy a bus ticket 1 day prior leaving, spend 12hours on a bus, not having a ferry ticket, 2 hours on a ferry, arriving the island without any accommodation booked and the same journey back to SG after one night there???!!         Lets give a round of applause to all the crazy souls who responded.

So apparently, there are people who are just as bored and nutty as me. I guess the universe is fueled by the word trust. I ranged up my buddy, informing about my last minute trip.

"Who you going with?"
"Strangers, from CS"
"Met them?"
"Nope."

*she has got used to the idea that its normal for me to travel with whoever.



"And i bought all their tickets, before they paid me the money. ok, 2 paid."
"And what if the 2 other didn't turn up?!"
"Faith"

"Accommodation?"
"Faith"
"U have time to get the ferry tickets?"
"Faith"

"Good luck"
"Bye"

Basically thats it. Pure strangers choose to trust each other with money for a senseless trip. It amazes me how sometimes all these could work out. I received the money via bank transfer soon after i called up the guys to confirm the trip. It sounded like a scam in fact. i could be another internet scammer. But for a $70? I would be a total brainless bitch.

Got the tickets on a thursday, met the guys for the first time on friday night and we set off for a 48hours of adventure together.

My personal adventure started even before the coach gets onto the expressway. I got lost at the malaysia custom after getting my passport stamped. Being a weekly visitor to johor bahru, it was my second time in 6 years that i crossed the border not being in a car. A car is easy, you stick your passport out of your window at the custom, they stamped it, give it back to you, and you f*** off! One way in, one way out!

A whole different story when i "walked" through the custom. One way in, many ways out! Like, where the hell is the bus?! 20mins of anxiety and frustration from walking and being lost, the entire bus  applauded when i finally got into it.

The ride was long enough to hold a good conversation with my travel partner, fell in and out of sleep, a throbbing headache and an aching back by the time we arrived, 12 hours later. So whats an adventure if everything is too smoothly plan? Indeed, we went to the jetty with our fingers crossed, hoping to get tickets for 5 to and off Redang. 

Faith. We got the tickets! ( knowing clearly that its crazy to risk that cos its a weekend.)  

For the next 2 days were nothing but beer, diving, beer and Nothing. Yes, nothing is something that everyone should do. I need to do nothing once in a while. Staring into spaces, dozing off, wakes up, stares into space again. The cycle repeats itself. Its addictive before depression creeps in. Its potentially depressing. Till then, i love it.  Island's life is simple, easy, what i yearned for. Maybe that's the reason why i always island hopping. Planting myself in some island,  smelling the sea, hitting the waves and sometimes diving into it to remind me that i am alive. 


Meeting up random people, having random fun, at random times. Its all these randoms that make life interesting. At least, my life interesting, able to get out of this mundane life for a short random retreat. What's there to lose anyway? time? I've got lots of it.


So 4 guys 1 girl all packed up in a room. Some girlfriends think i'm out of my mind. Other guy friends think that the idea was awesome. The combination of being 80% lazy and 20% faithful, brings either lots of trouble or hell loads of fun. Its a 50/50 risk i am more than happy to take. 

Life's Beautiful Coincidences

The sea is such a manipulator. Though as calm as it is, with gentle waves rolling into a rhythm of its own or perhaps only the true listener could tell you the exact tune that it’s playing. The different shades of blue bring both mystery and peace at the same time. For just a day, staring at this immeasurable mass of water lifted up my spirit. I felt, the world is beyond what I can see now. So, lets just chill and enjoy the moment. All these were yesterday.

I’m sitting by the café now with the sea just metres away. The rhythm now totally changes. You know sometimes certain music either cheer you up or makes you further depressed than you already are. But every song depending on its nature, brings forth different emotions. This sea.. what can I say. I stared at it for 2 hours this morning, trying to listen. Finding back the calmness and peace it brought me yesterday. The harder I try, the further I drift from what I’m expecting to feel. Tears welled up. I cringed and held my elbows tightly unknowingly. Seems like my body is bracing itself for its worst. Its funny that sometimes my body knows whatever better than I do. I felt a shiver down my spine, my heart beats faster and the next thing I knew, I have hidden my face between my knees and trembling in tears. Its ironic. A beautiful island like this and yet I am not living it. For moments i felt i was merely existing, getting bashed up by the profound movements of the universe.  

So instead of trying to grasp the gist of how the whole fucking nature works, why not just live the day? So its all enjoying the moment? Unfortunate or not, its debatable. I think that’s said cos I know I’m able to make the moment happen again if I want to. Its only when I know its all done and finish. Never would I get to laugh like I used to, explode like we used to, chase each other around like we did. I enjoyed those moments. I love them too much I lose myself in the midst of these times. I fell in and out of reality for that period. I confuse myself from these reality rip-off. 


Though constantly reminding myself of my position and preparing for what it may come – today. Its my last day here on the island.  i doubt I will ever come back again.. not for a very long time I suppose. My last night here enjoying what’s about to end. The last thing I should do is cry. Afterall, it was a good 9 months. However, that is also a last thing and the only thing I could do. 

(Hugging tightly unto him from the back on the motorcycle, I burst into a fountain of tears silently. Wiping away my runny nose furiously while the wind against my face swept those tears away. My body trembled. Maybe it’s the cold wind I thought. Yes, it’s the cold wind I choose to believe.

Then in the night, my arms started trembling again. And I knew it was the wind anymore. It was his touch. A touch that I once thought is warm and assuring, now my body reacts to it like its afraid. Afraid cos I will never feel this touch again. I was doing pretty good, swallowing those tears while untangling myself from his arms so unwillingly. Till his arm wrapped around me, I found no other strength to push away no more. 

I failed terribly. Failed to warm up a heart that I’ve given all I could and couldn’t. Failed to heal the heart after all these months. Failing to play the game well. Failing to arm myself well before diving in into this. Maybe I did. As times go by, the defenses peel away as real emotions find its way through. I don’t know why im writing this. Should I be writing this for my blog, just for myself, or for you? I know I’m crying out for help. Someone or something to bring me out of this miserable state.

Its 7pm. Hours to the night fall, to where it will all end. I wish he could sympathize me just a little. A little just to make me feel better. I remember I woke up this morning and for a slightest moment I thought that everything that happened last night was a bad dream. For that moment, I was relieved, till I realized his arms were still around me, I teared into the pillow once more.  I wasn’t expecting anything, I just want to be happy and I’m happy when im with him. I don’t understand why must things be stopped when its all still good. And also because of the same reason, it has to end. Taking away the little weekly joy I look forward to was just pure evil. )  

Love isn't a game. Love isn't something that anyone can choose to make it show up. It's a feeling that comes and goes as it pleases. When it knocks, we can choose to embrace it or pretend it never will happen. I embraced it, knowing extremely well that it will one day leave as silently as it came. 

I suppose it's a skill; personality; trait; quality, whatever you call it, that a traveler must acquire. To be able to detach from anyone, thing or place within the given time from the motion of the universe. Its a remarkable quality i must say. Some people call it unfeeling or even cruelty. Cruel to the people around. Afterall, i always been saying, you just can't come into someone's life, make them care, and then you leave. But, who else, but ourselves, we have to love and be selfish to? And i learnt that the hard way, still learning it as i'm typing. Space, time, life, are the most brutal of all. They don't stop for anything. Like it or not, it moves on. Till Life finally found a dwelling place, i keep on moving, seeing, listening, searching. 


There was a time i met someone else, whom i want to see his face everyday instead of the world; who i want to sit quietly even for minutes instead of partying in Ibiza all night. We traveled for 3 weeks. The emotions were intense for that 20days. It seemed like we'd gone through a 3 years of relationship all packed up in 3weeks. And all these illusions made us thought that we've found the one. It was nothing but a beautiful coincidence. Reality is, there's a clear start and end date. Happy times were meant to be packed and store away. Life moves on. You get the point.  


Lots of people wish to find that special someone while sitting on a beach in Bali or exploring the streets of Paris. We have this idealistic notion of travel romance. However, reality is always different. The realities of desired destinations, time tables, flights and everything else often get in the way, and it becomes much harder to really keep things going. 


We could only accumulate all these beautiful coincidences and for that, we learn to detach ourselves freely. I've met one that could do it with a snap of a finger. I admire him for that, so much i want to be him. At the same time, i'm glad i'm not and i detest him for him, maybe becos i'm the party that was left behind. 


You meet someone, you hit it off, and for the place and time, you are together. It makes all things simpler, isn't it? 

The Epic Photo

Fox Glacier

I never thought i would blog on non-travel related matters. Just a sudden urge to pen down all the random thoughts and the bugging feeling to want to scream - So what if i'm naked?!

Ever since the photo has been posted up to FB, the comments have since hit a new record on a single pic. Never did any of my pictures received this much of attention since my first upload. Sure it made an impact on my profile. Positive or not, i'm still fence-sitting. It brought me to slowly realize how superficial human beings could be as time passes when people create the perception of me base on one single outrageous photo.  I was sane, friends know. And when I said friends, I do meant, friends - those who know what spells Jac and it ain't just a 3 letter word. I'm crazy enough to take chances... so much that i got into shitty troubles that no one else would be capable of. Not that I’m proud of that, but I am amazed by Jac at times. Like, how did she even do that, and again?! I shall not swerve into that. And i was normal. Gradually, normality isn't normal anymore, what is doomed now is insanity - which i call normal at the present.

Driving from Te Anau to Queenstown, New Zealand, my buddy and I somehow lost the way and found ourselves driving through this magnificent landscape, on an unsealed track. Winding through the hills on this rocky, barren track, in a big fat camper wasn't a kidding matter. Every stone, every hole, every humps and bumps, our bums took it all. For the last 5kms at least, we see nothing but endless greens with backdrops of surreal snowy mountains, which almost seemed like a huge curtain falling from the sky. Maybe someone will draw it close, revealing darkness and emptiness. That would be more believable. So in this 9 degC afternoon, taking off any piece of cloth off my body is what i deemed bravery. To know that the almost cold-blooded German already had 3 layers on, i decided to strip to my boots. When but now would i have a chance to have this epic photo taken ever again? So i decided to greet the raw mother nature with my upmost sincerity, nudity.

I was traveling with my German buddy. Someone whom I’ve met in June during my Cairns’ trip. Hit it off quite well and decided to do a trip together again 3 months later. So the instructions were easy. It sounded wrong but it was the way it was!

“I strip, you shoot!”
“Go! Go!”

I took off all the precious warmth on me in the van and the moment I opened the door, the bitterly cold wind hugged me like icy metal sheets.  Braving through the windy field, I ran 20m away from the van and stood long enough to capture just 2 shots. With almost nothing on, I stood facing this majestic snow-cap mountain, trying to embrace the rawest form of nature around me. In the mere seconds, besides the chill, I felt that breath-taking mother earth and how insignificant I am in this midst of God’s creation. Isn’t this the kind of simplicity all should be thriving for? Rather than pride and fame or any form of worldly material that so called giving man the satisfaction that they need. It was only in the brief moments of nakedness, I felt the weakness and dedication in me. The clothes I wore aren’t just fabrics but superficial smiles, prideful defenses and deceiving fronts that manage to fool even myself. Nudity is hence beautiful. It shows the rawest form of beauty of man, no pride, no fakes, no self-consciousness. Removing all these clothes in life was not an easy task. The insignificance of me magnifies in this midst of nature and it compelled me to accept and acknowledge my vulnerability.

All said and done, I never expect a simple photo like this would raise many different perceptions of me. So Jac is crazy. yes I am. So Jac is an attention seeking bitch? Why not?! Haha. So Jac is shameless. Am i? So Jac is loose. Oh yeah? So Jac like to bare her ass and thus she is easy. Wow. Although these were not mentioned to me directly but nonetheless, I felt that from people around me when after all the formality talks, they can’t help but to throw the question, “So you like to bare the ass huh?” Seriously, dude..

Its good somehow. Now I know who are the respectful ones and who I should eliminate.  Maybe it’s the asian ethics and values towards nudity. Or maybe it’s the centuries of media influenced culture that shaped our thinking that going nude means obscenity and shame. Then again, what is shame? Its just the different levels of acceptance in the individuals towards an act.

It is indeed discouraging to know that people appreciate the act of the photo in the wrong way, creating a perception that disappoints more than anything else. Isn’t perception a funny thing? As mentioned in my fb, I am who I am and you are who you are and everything else is a perception based on acceptance, deception, smoke, mirrors, and so on. It's everything in between us that seems to justify our accidental identities. It's human nature to mold his/her behavior and personality according to such suppositions and assumptions. Even if i could spell myself out in words, who will be there to justify? Which is more believable, my words or your perception? Still, anyone has his/her entitlements of judgments and definitions of Jac. She is still who she is, not seeking for any acceptance or agreements.

And lastly, So what if I’m naked ? ")

Queenstown, New Zealand.

Phuket Escape

Phuket trip. 27^th Mar – 30^th Mar 2011. 

The consequence of an ending of a non-existent relationship. A relationship that isn’t even acknowledge in the first place. All thanks to my stubbornness and the self-recognized rational mind, that brought me to a state of unnecessary turmoil and pain that is totally uncalled for.

It all started with just one single guy and that led to a cycle of hope and defeat. And for some reason, knowing that it’s all a cycle again and again, the obstinate dense mind doesn’t learn! It was meant to be a distraction, a damn good one. Someone to divert my attention away from another whom has been quietly floating in my world since the start of 2010. With many ups and downs with this dude, it’s a fairytale turned wicked.  Just when I was struggling to grab hold of any chance of survival in the midst of the drowning sorrow and dejection, I met my hope. Successfully got me out of my initial grief for 3 months and wickedly, steadily led me to another fall once more. When is this going to end?!

The foolishness and naiveness of the mind is indeed incredible. Constant reminders with every strength and effort that the mind could dispense, actively, forcefully, cruelly drilling the fact into my head, it is not, will not, will never be mine. N e v e r. Nevertheless, it came too close, too near and subconsciously a part of me took ownership of it. So I let it. I let myself sank into this sphere of blindness and delusion. A space where I regard as joy until I woke up. This sphere was sunny, full of joy, radiant and made me a very happy woman in love. All dreams, good or bad, comes to an end isn’t it? Why not enjoy it while it last, till I wake up. An absolute fatal move. I thought I am strong enough. I thought all those reminders with every ounce of strength have backed me up. I thought i will accept it with suavity when it comes. All these assumptions were banished the moment the bubble was burst. The hours after were beyond grueling. The conversation kept repeating itself like an unstoppable playback. It was like death, a part of me died. I went into a state of trance, where everything lost its scent and colors. Breathing became an effort and crying became natural. Eventually, again, it will come to a point when you will grab hold of any life-saving hope, just to breathe. Most likely it wouldn’t work. And all functioning cells in me were screaming, don’t do it. The next thing I know, I heard the captain say, we are 20minutes from Phuket. Weather is sunny with occasional showers.

Welcome to Phuket. I was once again, forcefully put myself into a place of unfamiliarity and unknown. Though I’ve been there enough times not to not know that place, it was still pleasantly useful to divert all my senses away from the pain. 3 days of escape, I drank, beached, indulged with awesome food, hang out with friends, being spoilt like a princess, being showered with affections and attentions, added 5 other new friends in my FB, dived, seen turtles for the first time,  couchsurfed, made another friend, had fun.Everything but crying. I did not shed a single tear. I wasn’t happy, but at least tears stopped flowing and most importantly, breathing became normal again. 

It was where i spent most of my nights with my wine of the side

I went Italian that day!

It was while dolling up myself to meet my CS host, a sudden revelation hit me – The more you travel, the more you forget your world, the more you see, the more people you meet, the more you wouldn’t want to stay with one.

Even though it was broken, and a part died, I stopped crying. I know now. I’m fine now, I think. 

Amazzeing

Beautiful sunset, Melbourne

Recently I’ve been spelling amazing with double Z. After years and years of learning through the hardest ways, I still can’t guard this thing call emotions. I believe there’s this little elf somewhere hidden in me, that I’ve absolutely have no control over. It has the ability to dominant every logic and sense I have at any time it reckon  it should.

And this E, gets me into troubles big and small, places and people I would love and hate to meet or go and experiencing the emotions that I’d never thought I have.  The day I can control this E, no… I doubt I’m Jac anymore. We are inseparable, though at times I wish I could just be me. But who can touch water without touching wet?

With the odd and mysterious way this universe works, complimenting the E that is in me, I had the best days ever in years.  And of course, it involves a male species which made all these possible.  It added on to the already amazed me that how this universe evolves around every individuals if we allow it to. Traveling itself brings more unexpected than the reckoned. Defying the universe only prevents us for receiving the amazement that she’s waiting to shower us with.

It was another couchsurfing gathering I got to know from an Italian that I met a week ago. We hit it off straight away and so I decided to stay in close contact with him.  Upon reaching the bar, I had expected a couple of warm welcomes. (it’s a leo thing). 

The bar wasn’t too crowded with a couple of people scattered around. The one thing that caught my attention immediately, was this crowd hovering around this unfamiliar guy in a multi layered outfit and a jacket printed with gigantic M&Ms. So he was pulling some magic tricks that had everyone fooled with amazement. The crowd watched intently at his spellbinding hands.

The silence was unusual in a bar, when you have at least 20 people focusing on one single thing. Pretty obviously, I was captivated as well, but not fully on the tricks but the magician himself. The familiar couchsurfers / hosts ended up having all the same WTF look after each trick from the odd-dressing man who was the centre of the spotlight.

Where is he from? And who the hell is this gorgeous? I think I just woken up this E again.  With his little hand lion puppet, he approached me. Or I went to him,either way. Later I learned that the puppet’s name is Maurice. Even though I know its just another puppet, I was fascinated by how he brought the puppet to life. After kissing my hand, it fell into transfixion into the shoulders of his friend, the puppeteer.  SO damn cute! I broke into a big smile and looked at this amazing guy.. w.o.w. and not long after… shit.. oh no.. NOT again!!!

I didn’t manage to get his contact. His name is all I got. For the next week or so, I’d been thinking of this man who captivated me but I manage to tell E to fuck off cos I’m not gonna see him again. There was this tattoo exhibition which was showcasing one of the artists’ work around the corner at Sydney Road. It was something which I’ve been wanting to check it out but to my disappointment, it was just a retail tattoo shops with couple of artwork hung up for sale. Indeed, they do have some good designs but its still wasn’t my thing. Too dark and wicked.

As I was getting bored while waiting for my couchsurfing host to finish his tour, a familiar face came right into the shop.  In a flash, the boredom vanished and E prompted me to get his attention. I absolutely had no idea where the adrenaline rush came from. Taming the E in me, I got up and cracked a bashful hi. I could feel my ears glowing. It wasn’t too tough to get the conversation going. As I soon learnt he’s a natural communicator. The tough part was playing it calm and cool. If I could surface the war with E within me, it would be like the bombings between north & south korea. Same body, different ruling, trying to kick the logic out of the other.

The convo started with the usual questions back and forth from us.. more from me actually. In fact, I was utterly oblivious to whatever that was around me that I didn’t realized that my friend was already standing besides where I was sitting. I am, but I am NOT that oblivious to my surroundings. Somehow..somewhat… my senses just flowed in that direction.

 As much as I want to remember the whole conversation like a tape recorder, only one part etched into my memory. “What is your objective in life?” he asked casually and yet I could sense the momentousness of the question.  Close friends threw questions like this to me once in a while. But I’d never expect a person whose name I could hardly remember would challenge my thoughts in such way. Instincts instantly prompted me to say something intelligent, or duplicate some quotes from whoever. E ran through its pathetic archive in her goddess’ speed and I guess she relented. A simple question just exposed the humility and vulnerability I have been guarding all these years. “ I just want to be happy,” My answer startled even myself.

Guess we won’t know what we really want till we tear down all those pride in us.  No one could tell but at that point of time, I had utterly given in to myself. “Face it, Jac. It’s time.”  All the while I thought, as long as I don’t give any acknowledgment to certain facts, they will never exist.  And I could continue being me; blind and deaf.  Someone commented, you ain’t that ignorant I thought u were. I want to and I choose to.

After a quarter of century fending for myself, its not a choice but I have to be ignorant to protect myself. Ignoring how people see me, ignoring the fact that my heart was broken time and time again, ignoring all those theories of life, ignoring how tough life is, ignoring what means happiness.  I do not have multiple personalities, just layers of them. And those who could peel them off layer by layer and unmasked the defenseless me were not many but just 2 and this man was potentially the third.

 While I thought the worst was over, he asked once more,
“what’s happiness to you?”

I wish I could snap my finger and teleport myself to any other place than to sit there facing questions I’ve been avoiding half my life! The silence wasn’t too long , but I already felt millions of emotions and thoughts rumbling through me like indestructible waves preparing itself for a ferocious thunderstorm.

“To feel good.” I blurted.

Yeah.. to feel good, I silently agreed with myself once more. 

Bret Amazzeing & myself